my mouth tastes like poor choices
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
