Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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