he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
