no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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