I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
