Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
