Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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