my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
