xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
