Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
