Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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