I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
