Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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