Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
