he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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