On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
