he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
