Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Plan B is the new Plan A
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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