it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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