If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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