i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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