What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize