you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize