Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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