there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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