I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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