I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
