dude i'm inner monologue high
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize