I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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