I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
should my penis look like a turkey
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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