I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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