I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
