onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
