I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
