my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize