You smell like stripper and shame
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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