Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
