coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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