she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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