My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I enjoy the company of your penis
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
