Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
