I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
