getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
