Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
