when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
