I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
