I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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