Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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