you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So much Jack, so little girl.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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