when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
