Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
