I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
