Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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