you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
