he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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