All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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