I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
